remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Is Oprah even human
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize
