apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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