Got a toothbrush?
Your dad touched me again.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
