all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
