There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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