Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
