I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
