I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
