Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
