She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
