dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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