you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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