ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
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