I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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