Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
4 words: hood of his car
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
