he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
