She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
