Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
