I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
