weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
