you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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