If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
