I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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