I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
