There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
