I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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