Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
