I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Randomize
