My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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