The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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