Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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