Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
