I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
