I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
