I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
