really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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