we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
