Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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