He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I think your dad took our porno
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
