Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
