Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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