shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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