i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
