Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I have feelings that need drinking.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
