there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
