I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Randomize
