I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
