yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Hippo gnu deer
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
