He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
