I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
